Matthew Lumpkin

It’s the most wonderful time of the year; Ding Dong Ding Dong.

I know of many people who at some point or another were so self absorbed they forgot an anniversary or a loved ones birthday.

I know of fathers who were working so hard they missed a kids baseball game or piano recital.

Every year Christmas seems to be advertised one week earlier than the year before, yet it still seems to catch many people off guard.

So just incase you have one of those lives that you can get so wrapped up in you forget to notice the important things around you, I feel I should tell everyone to stop and look around because it's friggin Shark Week Baby.

Shark Week is a magical time of the year. A time of where I can convince myself that I could keep my cool in a pool of Great Whites, or that if it came to it, I could rescue someone fearlessly from the Jaws of a Mako or Bull Shark. A time where I no longer have to scan through hundreds of channels of crap hoping to land on a "Malcom in the Middle" rerun I haven't seen, or an Episode of Family Guy I think I could laugh at again. 

For this one glorious week, The Discovery Channel, has made sure I was covered with all my programming needs.

I plan for this week. 

I go through My Tivo and clear off everything that I am totally positive I would never need again to clear up more room for Sharks. 

I spent Tu and Wed of this past week catching up on all the episodes of "Psych" so I could delete them and watch Friday nights episode at it's regular scheduled time. 

I deleted all the "Jon and Kate plus 8" That Emily insist on wasting DVR disk space with.

I made sure to hunker down and get in that one episode of "Quantum Leap" that I could not remember totally.

I even deleted (sniffle) "The Top 20 Redneck Moments". Because when it comes down to it.....Shark week kicks my own ego's ass.

My Tour Schedule this week is all "Saints and Sinners" from South Carolina to Maryland if you can make it out to one of those shows, fantastic, but don't think I am rude if I don't stay and chit chat. It's nothing personal when I bolt out right after I say
"that's my time". Don't worry if I don't immediantly return a phone call or email It's nothing personal at all, it's just Shark Week.

"That's some bad hat Harry"

I think I’m turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think so

I am looking to hire a new employee. Sometimes entertainers reach a point in their career where they need to hire some extra staff to help them out; a personal assistant, a publicist, a personal trainer, a speech coach, writers, managers, travel coordinator, wardrobe, make-up, and that's not even counting landscapers, house keepers, nannies or au pairs, financial advisors, lawyers, pool guys, chaufers, or butlers.

Now I am not in a point where I need, nor could afford, any of those. But I could really use someone to pull a rickshaw.

Eliminating the cost of gas would allow me to pay upwards of 16.00 an hour for a quick-footed strong backed puller.

I am not discriminating due to race, religion, or any of that jazz, but I will be forth coming in admitting that an asian would be the ideal candidate simply because it just seems to make more sense. 

I will consider all applicants even if they are not Asian provided they are okay with any of the following nicknames Rickety Split, Rickster, Shaw-meister, Pully boy, or Clarence.

They must be able to pull me, a small suitcase of clothes, and a large suitcase of Cd's and T-shirts. 

If I have another comic Rickshaw-pooling with me, then there would of course be a bonus involved.

Anyone with a gall-bladder problem, a love of mexican food, or an issue with lactose intolerance need not apply.

Send all applications to:
Fart Cart
P.O. Box 12
Alexandria, AL 36250

P.S. Double Bill (Meet me at the Camper) is up for sale on CD Baby, www.MatthewLumpkin.com, or through Brucey's page.

But seriosly find me someone to pull me around the country.

C’Est La Vie say the old folks, goes to show you never can tell.

Whoever said "A watched pot never boils" apparantly did not have as much free time as I do.

Whoever said "You can’t teach an old dog new tricks", obviously doesn’t consider "catching worms" a trick.

Whoever said "One in the hand is better...." must not have been doing it correctly in the "bush".

Whoever said "All roads lead to Rome", must have not had a GPS in the middle of South Dakota.

Whoever said "Wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up first", did not have a contingency for the man wishing for a handful of crap.

Whoever said "A penny saved is a penny earned" didn’t realize you can’t buy jack-shit with a penny.

Whoever said "There is point crying over spilt milk", had a daddy like Gracie does to immediately pour them another sippy cup full. (right after Emma Grace Spilt her milk and did not cry)

Whoever said "Opposites attract" should probably talk to whoever said "Birds of a feather flock together".

Whoever said "A stitch in time, saves nine" didn’t realize the "torn" look is in, it is very, very in.

Whoever said "Personality goes a long way" also said the lesser known "Personality goes to Camp", "Personality goes to Jail", and "Personality saves Christmas".

Whoever said "Winners never quit" probably had money on the point spread.

Whoever said "Not all that glitters is gold" probably lost a substantial sum on a bad precious metals investment.

Whoever said "We have nothing to fear, but fear itself", must have forgot about snakes.

Whoever said "If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em" probably wasn’t a gay basher, b/c I don’t think you could just "change" on that issue.

Whoever said "Shit or get off the pot", probably had to share a bathroom with a bunch of siblings.

Whoever said "Revenge is a dish best served cold" was nothing more than a clever worded procrastinator.

Whoever said "You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink", actually drowned three horses trying to figure that out.

Whoever said "What goes up. must come down" knew nothing about gas prices.

Whoever said "You can’t take it with you" was probably driving a PT Cruiser

Whoever said "You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar" sure knew way more than anyone rightfully should about catching a fly.

Whoever said "If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all" was talking about the "Police Academy" movies.

Whoever said "Curiosity killed the cat", immediately had to go into the witness protection program. Curiosity does not like being ratted out by no one.

Whoever said "Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes" knew then you’d be over a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Whoever said "You can’t have everything, where would you put it?" did not realize how much space there is in Montana.

Whoever said " I know you are but what am I?" sucked at quick witted come backs.

Whoever said "Idle Hands are the devils playground" either just caught someone else spanking it, or was looking for an excuse to do it themselves.

Whoever said "A man’s best friend is his dog" was married for sure.

Whoever said "Kill them with kindness", must not have realized that a piece of piano wire would be faster.

Whoever said "Youthfulness is wasted on the young" had a point, but "Expensive sport cars are wasted on the old"

Whoever said "Women, like wine, get better with age". Actually had a cellar full of kidnapped older women.

Whoever said "Blood is thicker than water", was doing some pretty gruesome experiments with buoyancy.

Whoever said "A House divided cannot stand" was made to look like a fool when the first Double wide rolled off the assembly line.